Phrase by 'Tim Vine'
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For one thing, I don't pun excessively in real life.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianLife , Real , One Thing , Real Life
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianYou , Me , Today , Nice
So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianYou , Me , Gym , Teach
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianYou , Me , Funny , Childhood
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianPeople , Day , Think , Coffee
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianPeople , Mind , Looking , Busy
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianMe , Back , Thought , Down
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianDay , Past , Sea , Meat
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Author: Tim Vine - British ComedianPeople , Family , World , Brother
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