Phrase by 'Demetri Martin'
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I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianLove , Me , Women , Dog
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianYou , Sometimes , Die , Swimming
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianGreat , Camera , Technology , Digital
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianYou , Me , Man , Alone
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianBad , Another , Breath , Balloon
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianYou , Me , I Am , Sorry
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianDoor , Child , Bird , Bee
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianHe , Dangerous , Drunk , Driver
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianYou , I Am , Good , Sports
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Author: Demetri Martin - American ComedianPeople , I Am , Car , Driving
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