Phrase by 'Emo Philips'
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My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianHead , Safe , Jokes , Copy
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianYou , Live , Women , Dress
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianKnow , Men , Real , Pain
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianLucky , Night , Trying , Bar
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianFirst , Free , Stand , Glass
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianWords , Remember , Grandfather , Truck
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianMorning , Hot , Coffee , Wake Up
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianYou , Way , Girl , Night
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianNever , Go , Lucky , Get
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Author: Emo Philips - American ComedianYour , Today , Said , Lady
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